I’m fine 5/28/2016

​You’re all messed up inside,
You know, but they don’t
You try to fit in to their standards
Of what is and what is not acceptable

Outside, nothing but just another normal person
Inside, messed up in so many ways
You try to tell yourself that you can do it
If you wanted, you could fit in
And no one has to know

But you know it
Even if you try to hide it
You can fool them
But not yourself
In the end, you know it

You tell them you’re okay
When every night you think
Of a hundred different ways to die
And say, “I’m okay.”
And say, “This is normal.”

Because no one has to know
That when you wait for the train
You look at the tracks and think about jumping
At the last second, as the train pulls over

And you smile for them
Because they wouldn’t understand
That when you say that you are not fine
You don’t mean that you feel sick
Because the sickness you feel is not something
That can be seen on the outside

And again you say you are fine
When talking to friends
Who have long stopped caring
About whether your “I’m fine” is real
Or whether it is just another
Lie you tell them
So they can feel better about themselves

And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want to see their faces
Look at you as if you are something
That they need to fix
Just another puzzle to solve

And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want to hear them
Tell you that you are wrong
To feel pained when someone else
On the other side of the world
Is experiencing something much worse

That you do not have the right
To cry about your own sufferings
Because they are not like
The sufferings of grief-stricken, war-torn people

And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want them to feel
Like it’s their fault
Even though every night
You think about how much of a liar you are

Pretending to be normal
You tell yourself “You don’t belong with them”
And wait for someone to tell you
Wait for someone to notice
That you are not fine

You must be doing a good job
Of pretending to be normal
Since no one has asked you
No one has doubted your lie
So far

Maybe they have stopped caring
A long time ago
Maybe you have started to believe
Your own lies,
After all

How do you even begin
To let them understand
Something you don’t even understand

How do you even explain
What hurts you
And how it hurts you
When it’s all inside your head
When there’s nothing but tears to show for it

You tell yourself “You’re fine”
Because when you tried to reach out
They told you to cheer up
To stop being so sad
That some people have it worse

Like it’s that simple
Like you haven’t tried
To repeat to yourself every night:
“Stop crying.”
“Some people have it worse.”

Tell yourself “I’m fine”
Maybe this time you’ll believe it too

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Loneliness 3/22/2016

It’s alright
I’m far too used
To being alone
To even be lonely about it

It’s alright
I can look at the faint orange light
From the lone street light in this part of the neighborhood
Without feeling that all too familiar loneliness

It’s alright
I can lie on my bed alone
Surrounded by the darkness and the faint moonlight
Without any pang of loneliness

It’s alright
Leave and take every last memory with you
Leave me alone with my thoughts
And my loneliness

Steel Savior

Under the fists of steel
I wonder
If we’ll flutter
Like butterflies
Trapped under the steel thumb
Of the man who vowed to save us

Like Pavlov’s dog
Would the butterflies
Grow steel wings
Just so that they could survive?

Under the fists of steel
I wonder
If we’ll cower
Like an apprehended child
Afraid
Of a sin we did not commit

Would it be right
To call blind disobedience
Democracy?

A placebo effect
From our fears and doubts
The butterflies,
Despite the burden
Of the additional weight,
See the steel wings
As a cure

Because instead of
The scream-filled halls
We heard silence,
Ordered by the man
Who dared to say he’d save us,
And called it peace

2/18/2016 Your Goodbye

“You lost me a long time ago,”
That was how you said goodbye
“I tried,” you said, “but it wasn’t the same,”
Of course it wasn’t the same—it could never be the same

And now I’m left to think about
When exactly I had lost you
Because I know I tried so hard
Even though it wasn’t the way it used to be

Of course it wasn’t the same—
How could it be the same?
A person changes in so many ways in just a year
Imagine what seven years would do

Of course it wasn’t the same—
How could you be?
How could I be?
We’ve changed so much in seven years

Of course it wasn’t the same—
But I never would’ve left
Because, unlike you, what you mean to me
Never changed once, in seven years