I’m fine 5/28/2016

​You’re all messed up inside,
You know, but they don’t
You try to fit in to their standards
Of what is and what is not acceptable

Outside, nothing but just another normal person
Inside, messed up in so many ways
You try to tell yourself that you can do it
If you wanted, you could fit in
And no one has to know

But you know it
Even if you try to hide it
You can fool them
But not yourself
In the end, you know it

You tell them you’re okay
When every night you think
Of a hundred different ways to die
And say, “I’m okay.”
And say, “This is normal.”

Because no one has to know
That when you wait for the train
You look at the tracks and think about jumping
At the last second, as the train pulls over

And you smile for them
Because they wouldn’t understand
That when you say that you are not fine
You don’t mean that you feel sick
Because the sickness you feel is not something
That can be seen on the outside

And again you say you are fine
When talking to friends
Who have long stopped caring
About whether your “I’m fine” is real
Or whether it is just another
Lie you tell them
So they can feel better about themselves

And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want to see their faces
Look at you as if you are something
That they need to fix
Just another puzzle to solve

And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want to hear them
Tell you that you are wrong
To feel pained when someone else
On the other side of the world
Is experiencing something much worse

That you do not have the right
To cry about your own sufferings
Because they are not like
The sufferings of grief-stricken, war-torn people

And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want them to feel
Like it’s their fault
Even though every night
You think about how much of a liar you are

Pretending to be normal
You tell yourself “You don’t belong with them”
And wait for someone to tell you
Wait for someone to notice
That you are not fine

You must be doing a good job
Of pretending to be normal
Since no one has asked you
No one has doubted your lie
So far

Maybe they have stopped caring
A long time ago
Maybe you have started to believe
Your own lies,
After all

How do you even begin
To let them understand
Something you don’t even understand

How do you even explain
What hurts you
And how it hurts you
When it’s all inside your head
When there’s nothing but tears to show for it

You tell yourself “You’re fine”
Because when you tried to reach out
They told you to cheer up
To stop being so sad
That some people have it worse

Like it’s that simple
Like you haven’t tried
To repeat to yourself every night:
“Stop crying.”
“Some people have it worse.”

Tell yourself “I’m fine”
Maybe this time you’ll believe it too

2/18/2016 Your Goodbye

“You lost me a long time ago,”
That was how you said goodbye
“I tried,” you said, “but it wasn’t the same,”
Of course it wasn’t the same—it could never be the same

And now I’m left to think about
When exactly I had lost you
Because I know I tried so hard
Even though it wasn’t the way it used to be

Of course it wasn’t the same—
How could it be the same?
A person changes in so many ways in just a year
Imagine what seven years would do

Of course it wasn’t the same—
How could you be?
How could I be?
We’ve changed so much in seven years

Of course it wasn’t the same—
But I never would’ve left
Because, unlike you, what you mean to me
Never changed once, in seven years

10/4/2014 Façade

In this limited life
Spent on the pursuit of happiness
And the discovery of oneself
Maybe we have wasted too much time

Maybe we let the promise of happiness blind us
And settled for temporary pleasures
Maybe we let the fear of dying get to us
And mistook comfort for bliss

Maybe we should’ve been living
Not for the sake of just being alive
Not for the sake of collecting memories and moments
But for the sake of feeling alive and happy and content

Maybe we shouldn’t have ignored
The throbbing feeling in our chests
Maybe we shouldn’t have avoided
The gut-wrenching decisions we had to make

Because in our evanescent lives
We ignored the real things
And chased after fake butterflies
Even when we knew they were fake all along

And we tried so hard
To mask our pain and melancholy
With a stiff smile and a happy façade
And we shouldn’t have

We thought we were living
By avoiding the horrible parts of life
And putting up a beautiful façade
Of a life we didn’t allow ourselves to have

9/28/2014 Alive

It was right there at the unfinished bridge, the sun just seconds from setting, with the three people I loved the most, that I realized this is it. This is the moment I am truly alive, this is the moment that I am not just bones and loneliness, this is the moment that I am real and breathing and happy, this is the moment I’ll always remember when I think of the four of us—no matter where we might be years from now. This is what I’ll always go back to, the four of us sitting on an unfinished bridge, alive and content and happy.

I swore we’d last forever

2/5/2014 For Karen

Do you remember
Way back in highschool
One day we just wanted to be
Something more than friends
At the time it felt like the best thing
I swore we would last forever
You swore if we didn’t, nothing will change

Time passed and we grew older
Each day our time grew shorter
I never even saw it coming
I still swear we would be together
You didn’t assure me anymore
At the time it felt alright
You told me nothing has changed

One day we just stopped talking
I still thought we would be alright
I waited for your call
I was growing tired and worried
I’ve known then something’s wrong
Still I swore we’d be together

A week passed before you called
Said you didn’t feel it anymore
Said I wasn’t enough anymore
I thought you were just tired
I told you we can take a break
I was so tired and so afraid
Still I swore we could fix this

One night you called to tell me
There was somebody new
I couldn’t believe what I heard
Didn’t we swear we’d be forever?

Time passed and we grew older
Each day we grew apart
I swore we’d last forever
At the time it felt like the best thing
You swore if we didn’t, nothing will change
At the time we thought we had it figured

But we didn’t last forever
And everything has changed
I swore I’d be strong
Swore one day I’ll forget you
At the time it seemed impossible
Still I swore I’d try

Every day when I wake up
I still remember you
But each day I’m growing stronger
Each day I’m growing happier
And at night before I go to bed
I stop the tears from falling
Instead I tell myself I have to be brave
Because tomorrow is a new day
Tomorrow will make me stronger

(This is something that I wrote about my friend)

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

It’s true. And it’s mostly because we never realize that we can be so much more. This afternoon I got a call from my friend, the moment I heard her voice I knew something was wrong.

She was crying and it was the first time that I heard her cry like that. She came from a nasty break-up some six months ago with her one-year-long boyfriend and the thing is the guy was her best friend before they became a couple. Apparently the guy promised her that they’ll be best friends again and she kept waiting, but the thing is, the guy told her that he doesn’t want her anymore but he’s not closing the possibility of the two of them becoming friends again, and she kept trying but he kept telling her that maybe another month more.

I think he is being very unfair to her because he is like keeping her on reserve, and here she is waiting and waiting. Now she’s trying to move on from him, but she’s having relapses and finally she broke down.

The thing is, I have watched my friends fall in love, get into relationships, and make the same mistakes over and over again since high school. They never realize that they are so much more than the jerk they are dating, and they tend to just accept the pain because they think they might never find someone again. And that same thing is happening to the friend I have mentioned above. It’s really sad and I really don’t know what I can tell her to make her feel better because all she’s doing is running away from the pain but what that does is that it just builds up inside of her, until one day she will have to break down, like today, because it’s all too much.