9/26/2016 Where are you? I’m still waiting here

Didn’t you say that we’ll figure out this life together?
Coffee in hand, talking about the good things in life

Didn’t you say that I was like a soul mate to you?
That you loved me, unlike anyone you’ve ever met before

Didn’t you promise me that I never had to be lonely ever again?
“I’m here,” you said, “I’ll always be here.”

Didn’t I tell you to wait for me a little bit more?
I have a distant way of loving and I’m afraid I’d push you away

Where are you?
Why am I drinking this too-cold coffee without you?

Come back,
I’m still waiting here

10/4/2016 I loved alone

I loved alone
I was left alone

What should I do about this
This love thing
That gives me nothing but loneliness

I tried to love you
With my all
With my own distant way of loving

I hoped it would be enough
It wasn’t

I loved you
With my all—
But in the end, I was all alone

9/11/2016 You’re too cruel

You’re too cruel
I wish you’d just tell me
That you’ve grown to hate me
That I’m no longer worth your time
That I’d have to live without you
From now on
Instead of the sleepless nights I spend
Trying to figure out what I did
Trying to remember where things went wrong
Trying to understand why you left
Without a word

You’re too cruel
How can you disappear
Without any goodbye?

You’re too cruel
How can you leave me
Looking at the places we’ve been
Remembering the things we’ve seen
Listening to the songs we’ve loved
With an ever-growing hole inside

You’re too cruel
Aren’t you going to say goodbye?

I’m fine 5/28/2016

​You’re all messed up inside,
You know, but they don’t
You try to fit in to their standards
Of what is and what is not acceptable

Outside, nothing but just another normal person
Inside, messed up in so many ways
You try to tell yourself that you can do it
If you wanted, you could fit in
And no one has to know

But you know it
Even if you try to hide it
You can fool them
But not yourself
In the end, you know it

You tell them you’re okay
When every night you think
Of a hundred different ways to die
And say, “I’m okay.”
And say, “This is normal.”

Because no one has to know
That when you wait for the train
You look at the tracks and think about jumping
At the last second, as the train pulls over

And you smile for them
Because they wouldn’t understand
That when you say that you are not fine
You don’t mean that you feel sick
Because the sickness you feel is not something
That can be seen on the outside

And again you say you are fine
When talking to friends
Who have long stopped caring
About whether your “I’m fine” is real
Or whether it is just another
Lie you tell them
So they can feel better about themselves

And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want to see their faces
Look at you as if you are something
That they need to fix
Just another puzzle to solve

And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want to hear them
Tell you that you are wrong
To feel pained when someone else
On the other side of the world
Is experiencing something much worse

That you do not have the right
To cry about your own sufferings
Because they are not like
The sufferings of grief-stricken, war-torn people

And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want them to feel
Like it’s their fault
Even though every night
You think about how much of a liar you are

Pretending to be normal
You tell yourself “You don’t belong with them”
And wait for someone to tell you
Wait for someone to notice
That you are not fine

You must be doing a good job
Of pretending to be normal
Since no one has asked you
No one has doubted your lie
So far

Maybe they have stopped caring
A long time ago
Maybe you have started to believe
Your own lies,
After all

How do you even begin
To let them understand
Something you don’t even understand

How do you even explain
What hurts you
And how it hurts you
When it’s all inside your head
When there’s nothing but tears to show for it

You tell yourself “You’re fine”
Because when you tried to reach out
They told you to cheer up
To stop being so sad
That some people have it worse

Like it’s that simple
Like you haven’t tried
To repeat to yourself every night:
“Stop crying.”
“Some people have it worse.”

Tell yourself “I’m fine”
Maybe this time you’ll believe it too

Loneliness 3/22/2016

It’s alright
I’m far too used
To being alone
To even be lonely about it

It’s alright
I can look at the faint orange light
From the lone street light in this part of the neighborhood
Without feeling that all too familiar loneliness

It’s alright
I can lie on my bed alone
Surrounded by the darkness and the faint moonlight
Without any pang of loneliness

It’s alright
Leave and take every last memory with you
Leave me alone with my thoughts
And my loneliness

2/18/2016 Your Goodbye

“You lost me a long time ago,”
That was how you said goodbye
“I tried,” you said, “but it wasn’t the same,”
Of course it wasn’t the same—it could never be the same

And now I’m left to think about
When exactly I had lost you
Because I know I tried so hard
Even though it wasn’t the way it used to be

Of course it wasn’t the same—
How could it be the same?
A person changes in so many ways in just a year
Imagine what seven years would do

Of course it wasn’t the same—
How could you be?
How could I be?
We’ve changed so much in seven years

Of course it wasn’t the same—
But I never would’ve left
Because, unlike you, what you mean to me
Never changed once, in seven years

10/5/2015 Lies we tell ourselves

Sometimes we tell ourselves lies
An attempt to reassure ourselves
On those days when nobody else can

And some days we lie to ourselves
Just so we can live
On those days we just can’t otherwise

And after some time we forget
What was real and what was make-believe
And we end up believing
These lies we tell ourselves

10/10/2014 I wouldn’t know how

Maybe it’s better this way
You’re distant and unknown to me
Because I wouldn’t know
How to love you anyway

I don’t know what I’m afraid of
Is it love?
Or is it the thought of losing someone again?
Maybe even both

Maybe it’s better this way
You don’t really know much about me
Because I wouldn’t know
How to express myself to you anyway

I don’t know if I’ll ever get past
The point of being afraid
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be
Maybe it’s for the best

10/9/2014 I ended up unhappy

In this world
Full of mundane and extraordinary things
There are so much to see
But so little time

I keep wasting my time
Thinking and planning about what I should do
Instead of just doing it
Instead of actually living

Somewhere in a sea of confusion
And things I have to do
I forgot to be alive
And ended up unhappy

And I know, I know
You tried so hard
To make me feel alive
To remind me to live

And there were so many voices
Telling me where to go
And I forgot to listen to yours
I ended up shutting you out

And I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to
I wanted so much to show you
That I love you too
And I couldn’t, I couldn’t